The Fifth Element Parody
by pyr0
Summary: A strange little adaptation of a certain strange little movie...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Some people I know are really going to hate me for this, but I never really learn and destroying movies for people is what I enjoy doing best. However, please try to remember that I will die without reviews.

I am not kidding.

Do it.

Waaaahh!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _The Fifth Element_.

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**DESERT, NILE RIVER VALLEY – DAY**

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**Professor: **Three planets, eclipse, black hole, evil…Oh my! Terror! Chaos! Billy! THE ULTIMATE EVIL, BILLY!! (_The Professor starts coughing, choking on spit as he enthusiastically tries to enunciate the message of doom through gurgling and retching_.)

**Billy: **Why can't we just _open_ the door?

**Professor: **FIVE THOUSAND!!

**Billy: **What?!

**Professor: **In five thousand years we can open the door, my son.

**Billy: **We'll be dead then. Or at least you will be.

(_At this point, a boring turn of events takes place. This old guy shows up and tries to poison the Professor, they find out that there is some way to defeat the ultimate evil – whatever THAT means – "monsters" show up and they look very similar to ducks and are apparently German…AND the old man has a thing for one of them. A key is given and some bricks as well…blah…blah…some ducks die…bleh, bleh…I think the Professor dies too?_)

M'kay.

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**SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM**

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**Staedert: **We need a thermometer, stat!

**Captain: **It's jammed! One reading is very cold and the other is…OMG, very hot!

**Tech #2: **It's shaped like a cookie!

**Captain: **What is _that_?!

**Tech #1: **The President is on Park I, sir.

**Staedert: **Send out _The Probe_.

**Captain: **(_Le gasp_) You promised you'd never do that!

**Staedert: **Uh, the probe?

**Captain: **Oh.

**President: **I'll need that useless but still very important information, General. Potty break is in ten minutes! I'm on a strict schedule here!

**Staedert: **Nothing yet, Mr. President. We've found it to be quite large and not very energetic. With the thermonuclear sca –

**President: **What don't you understand about _potty break_, General?

**Staedert: **(_Blanches_)

**President: **You aren't very bright, are you?

**Staedert: **It just keeps getting bigger!

**President: **What do we do?

**Tech #1: **Shoot it!

**Tech #2: **Fire the lazy beams!

**Tech #1: **That'll just make it angry!

**Tech #2: **No! I saw it in the movie Dungeon Masters of Clepton. Firing the lazy beams is bound to make it asplode and will eliminate the evil menace and its enormously enormous expanding powers of doom!

**Tech #3: **(_Comes out of nowhere and roundhouse kicks Tech #2_) YOU STOLE MY SUGGESTION!

**President: **TWO MINUTES!

**Head Chemist: **It is in our best interests that we not shoot this organism because of the fact that it looks and smells evil.

**President: **It smells funny?

**Head Chemist: **Yes, sir.

**President: **Oh, well, that's no good. It must be hostile!

**Head Chemist: **But it hasn't attacked, sir.

**President: **No, but it has gotten bigger _and _it's looking at me funny!

**Head Chemist: **Sir, _you_ have gotten bigger, but we haven't shot you yet.

**President's Henchslaves: **(_Snipe out the Head Chemist and dispose of the body_)

**Captain: **Sir, we have to remember that safety and security is an issue here…

**President: **Is it?

**Cornelius: **Mr. President, if I might add something…

**President: **What?! Gorramit, I want my potty break!

**Cornelius: **Let your mind go to a peaceful place. A fuzzy purple place…and just imagine that this _thing_ is hiding. It wants to be unidentified because it is very, very evil-like.

**President: **I still want to shoot it.

**Cornelius: **But it will only make it angry!

**Tech #1: **SCORE!

**Tech #3: **The probe, sir.

**Staedert: **Uh…

**President: **What is it now?

**Staedert: **The probe, sir…It exploded!

**President: **Priest, your name?

**Cornelius: **Vito Cornelius.

**President: **Your theory arouses me in ways that I cannot explain.

**Cornelius: **Time is not important, your eminence – only your happiness.

**President: **Fire when ready!

**Staedert:** Yayz!

**Scientist: **Wait – my sci-senses are tingling! The surface has solidified!

**President: **I thought you said it was a _rock_!

**Staedert: **It is. It just sort of might be intelligent…a little.

**Cornelius:** It's terribly intelligent, Mr. President. I too feel tingly.

**Captain: **Missile loaded, General.

**President: **I have a doubt, but it could just be the fact that I haven't poo'ed in a week.

**Staedert: **I don't.

**President: **You "don't" what?

**Staedert: **FIRE THE MISSILE!

**President: **Did it die?

**Staedert: **I'm afraid not, sir.

**Scientist: **Oh! You made it angry!

(_The planet has now literally doubled in size and is apparently growing even larger_.)

**President: **Get out of there! You all are an accident waiting to happen!

**Staedert: **It looks…like a giant raisin…

(_They all asplode in a burst of light, fire, and noxious gas._)

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	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **ZimLilly and DragonsEclipse, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the first chapter. _The Fifth Element _is definitely one of my favorite guilty pleasures, so it's been fun deconstructing it so far and I hope you both get a kick out of this next bit.

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**APARTMENT**

* * *

(_Korben wakes up and stumbles groggily out of bed, hoping and praying that today will finally be the day that his luck changes. That is, until he trips over the cat. The phone rings impatiently_.)

**Korben: **Ahoy-hoy?

**Finger: **Hey, baby! This is Finger.

**Korben:** Hi, boo! That's a good little girl…come to daddy…

**Finger: **Major?

**Korben: **You know how daddy likes it…

**Finger: **Uh…

**Korben: **(_Is purring_)

**Finger: **Uhm, should I call back later?

**Korben: **I was talking to the cat.

**Finger: **Oh.

**Korben: **Yeah.

**Finger: **So…

**Korben: **I'm looking for one, you know.

**Finger: **What?

**Korben: **A woman.

**Finger: **You need one.

**Korben: **I WON'T FIGHT FOR YOU!!! (_Hangs up_)

**Korben: **Why does nobody love me?! Why does nobody _care_?!!?

(_Destitute and traumatized by years of serving under the one named "Finger," Korben takes up his matches, turns the lights off, puts on the smooth stylings of Dashboard Confessional, and sets fire to his old war decorations._)

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**PRESIDENT'S OFFICE**

**

* * *

**

**Cornelius: **Our time is short.

**President: **Should we be worried?

**Cornelius: **By then it will be too late. Life makes the evil angry.

**President: **Oh-oh! I know! We can sacrifice that hefty looking tech over there – he's been nothing but trouble and maybe through his death he can calm this evil!

**Cornelius: **QUIET! I now must explain something utterly obtuse and ridiculous… (_Clears throat_) Mondoshawans are a peaceful bunch. They have these four element type thingies and these are related to a fifth element that will ultimately save our souls from you…I mean, from the evil.

**President: **M'kay…what's a moondooshaywand?

**Cornelius: **Were you not _listening_ just now?

**President: **Uh…

**Captain: **Sir, one of the moondayswas ships wants to enter our territory.

**Cornelius: **For the sake of all that is cheese! It's _Mondoshawan_!

**President: **So, these monodayshwans are loving and nice, right?

**Cornelius: **Yes.

**Tech #5: **The ship is a strange color. I don't think I've ever seen it before…

**Tech #6: **Of course you have! It's the same color as the Blurgh's command fleet in Star Command episode 22! Gosh!

**Tech #5: **Well, I don't trust it. It looks eviiiilll… (_Finger moves ominously towards the big button of destruction and doom_.)

**Cornelius: **(_Slaps Tech's hand_)

**General: **(_As if he's been woken up suddenly_) THE BLURGH!??!!

**Cornelius: **We're lost!

**President: **That's quite impossible! We're all right here.

**Cornelius: **They are the only ones that can help us!

**President: **I suppose I should make a decision now…

**Random Guy: **Two UFS approaching…warp speed!

**Captain: **Who are _you_?!

**Random Guy: **I come from the planet Earth, Captain. I am an android of extreme intell –

**Hefty Looking Tech: **(_Strapped to torpedo command console_) Why are you sweating, robot man?

**Tech #6: **Yeah! Robots aren't supposed to sweat. Their metal anterior and mechanical innards aren't designed to function as uniquely as a human's, unless of course they were fashioned using some sort of sophisticated, futuristic plexico –

**Cornelius: **(_Watches calmly as the Tech starts to hyperventilate and then slaps him upside the head_.)

**Tech #6: **–on. It's, uh…a…uh…a really strong material.

**Captain: **Mr. President! We're under attack!

**President: **I knew I should've never listened to you, _Priest_! Your lollygagging peace huggers are after our blood!

**Cornelius: **I assure you, sir, time is of no importance at this point.

**President: **_WHAT_?!!

(_After much rocking, rolling, pitching, buckling, and girly screaming on account of all male crew on board, the ship tanks and I'm still incredibly confused at this point, but I'm just going to roll with it_.)

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	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **It's been like twenty years since I updated this! Thanks again to all who have reviewed this crappy little parody – A.J Scarlet and that random reviewer person. Yay!

Anyway, apologies for a short chappy. :(

And is it just me or does the format keep changing?

Bah...

**Disclaimer: **LUC BESSON!!

* * *

**LAB**

**

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**

**Munro: **Any survivors?

**Mactilburgh: **No, only this box.

**Munro: **…And?

**Tech #5: **There's candy in the box!! (_is tittering and jabbering, salivating profusely as he jogs in place._)

**Mactilburgh: **Good God, child, crack is whack! Anyhoo, General, what we're dealing with here is a prime specimen…An excellent example of _blah, bleh, blah-blah-bleh-b-b-blehh_…

**Munro: **Ah…

**Mactilburgh: **(_le sigh_) Species of your primitive intellect might call her a "freak of nature."

**Munro: **Her?! Sh –

**Mactilburgh: **Yes.

**Munro: **_How_?! It's a _box_?!

**Mactilburgh: **You always designate something of this magnitude as a "she" in order to show respect for –

**Munro: **That goes for _ships_, ding-a-ling!

**Mactilburgh: **:'(

**Munro: **So now what?

**Mactilburgh: **We stick _her_ in this little tubey thingamajig and then we push a couple of these dohickles and pull a couple of these here pullabibbles and then…

***ding* – just like a toaster oven…the tubey thingamajig slides open to reveal GRAPHIC NUDITY!!1 some pretty young la-day.**

**Munro:** hUbbahubBBA…I, uh…I need some close-up, graphic pictures for my p – I mean, for the government. The government profile…I need them.

**Girl:** (_is screaming unintelligibly, spitting and smashing around in her container_.)

**Mactilburgh: **SLEEP MY PRECIOUS JEWEL!

**Gas filters in the tubey and she is still seething and throwing things and yeah…this kid is a spoiled brat.**

**Munro: **How strong is that thing? (_is hiding a wrench behind his back_.)

**Mactilburgh: **Nothing short of a shark-monkey-elephantine hybrid is going to get through that glass. It's coated with three layers of quadri –

**Girl: **hdsiohgioa;hgoahstiowahia!!11 AAAAAAHHHHGGGGGGGG!!!

**Munro: **SPEAK _ENGLISH_!!

**The girl punches through the glass, grabbing Munro and wringing his scrawny little neck. He passes out and she escapes with the keys. Children, take heart, the next few moments will be the most terrifying of your life.**

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End file.
